29 January, 2008

Eau de Scam

This is by far the weirdest junk mail I've ever gotten. Seriously. Weird. It's sort of 'free,' which is part of what I don't get. I think the idea is that when you get your new house (with pool and two-car garage, thank you), your new Maserati (steel grey, please), or a mystery box of gold bars delivered to your doorstep (yesssss!), you're supposed to send the "Ministry" a cut of your 'winnings' as a thank-you. O. K.

Here's the plan (and you can click on the pictures to read some of those things close-up): you open this envelope, you hold the 'prayer rug' (hereafter referred to as the "St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith," which is a combination of all the different names used for it in the letter)
to your knees (or kneel on it) and pray for ABSOLUTELY WHATEVER YOUR LITTLE HEART DESIRETH. Then you put the St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith under your pillow for one night only. Then you mail it back to the ministry, wait a few days, and in the words of our friend Pedro, "Your wildest dreams will come true." Prayers, dreams, whatever.




















As you can also see from the date on the pictures, we have been horribly remiss and the opportunity to claim our prize is long since passed. We didn't use the St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith (come on, really, you didn't actually think we would, did you?) and failed to mail it back so now our dreams will never come true and nobody else will get to use our St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith (except for maybe somebody at the recycling depot). There goes our dream of $546,822.91! Dang!

Oh! Oh! We haven't even opened the prophecy yet. Let's do that together, shall we? Let's see what it says (and I am too lazy to grab the camera, so take my word for it, okay?). Oh, first I should tell you what it says on the outside of the paper:
Important - only break open this sealed prophecy after you have put this Church Prayer Rug and your prayer requests back in the mail to this 57-year-old church ministry.
If for any reason you are not going to return this Church Prayer Rug, then this sacred prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread
, because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future....
Okay, here we go. Get ready!

Okay, well, sorry to disappoint, but it was a WHOLE PAGE LONG and I'm really not prepared to re-type it all. Suffice to say, it was wordy, vague, and not particularly 'enlightening.' After having used the
St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith, we're supposed to feel empowered and emboldened, discovering new gifts and blessings; we should have an increased awareness of "which steps to take and which steps [you] should not take." It closes with a thank you to the "57-year-old church" who sent us the St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Faith, Anointed, Church, Biblical Faith Church, Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug of Faith in the first place and a reminder to send it back so they can pass it along to the next person. How anticlimactic.


Anyway, that's the jumbled post about our weirdo mail. Whew - our lives can resume! So tell me, what's the weirdest mail you've ever received?

7 comments:

erin k said...

that is unbelievably bizzaro! Thank you for including all the pics. Too bad that you missed your big chance. (you of little faith.)

I have nothing that can even remotely compete with that for the title of weirdest mail ever.

Alana said...

I just got one of these in the mail today - same exact thing - and found your blog through a google search. I guess I just threw away my chance at attaining thousands and thousands of dollars because my pile of papers is going to the recycle center tomorrow!

Beck said...

I have NEVER received anything that creepy. NEVER.
Although I used to get mail from Tibetan monks asking for cash and some odd mission for the blind. Neither of those were creepy, though.

Brenda said...

Bren, I got it too this week. I couldn't believe a "church" was soliciting in my mailbox!!!!

Jess said...

I don't even understand it. It's so complicated! And bizarre.

Kellan said...

I've never gotten anything as weird as that - that is crazy!!

Hope you had a good weekend - see you later. Kellan

Kellan said...

Hey Bren - thanks for coming by today. Hope you have had a great day. See ya. Kellan